Mason Caught In Shocking Toaster Strudel Sting
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The world was outraged recently when famed Pop-Tart devotee
Matt Mason was caught cozying up with a box of Pillsbury's Toaster
Strudel. The nation was shocked when Eric Green came forward
claiming he had taped conversations between himself and Heather
Hannaford, a close friend of Mason's, in which Miss Hannaford
explicitly described several instances of Mason eating Toaster
Strudels. Miss Hannaford wept as she came to the press with a sun-
dress of hers which reportedly had a sample of the Cream Cheese And
Blueberry filling from one of Mason's alleged Toaster Strudel trysts.
Mr. Mason gained prominence at Santa Clara University as founder
of the Pop-Tarts & Orange Juice parties which greatly furthered both
world peace and racial harmony. And even after his diagnosis of
Type I Diabetes in 1993, Mason still loudly supported the causes of
Free Tarts and Pop-Tart Rights, so these allegations of Mason's
dalliance with a competitor which quite brazenly maligns the Pop-
Tart in their advertisements comes as a shock to this scandal-weary
nation.
Mason Works For Peace, Pig Farms, And Underwear Models
- So if Mason isn't going back to school this fall, just what the hell IS
he doing? Well, besides infrequent stints helping senior citizens and
the mentally ill (awww, ain't he just swell?), he's been working with
his sister Mele, a freelance video photographer, as her sound man.
The life of a sound man is solitary and rugged as he fiddles with the
knobs on his mixer, holds the big boom-mike, and provides his sister
a convenient reason to demand lunch-breaks due to his diabetes.
Recently, Mason has found himself in many exciting situations. He
went to Florida to film a bunch of guys in neckties talk about making
more money. Similarly, he went into a 2,000-sow pig-barn to film
pigs for Land O' Lakes. Shortly after Methodist Minister Jimmy
Creech got in trouble for performing a union ceremony between two
women, Mason helped with an interview in Creech's home (and had
the socks impressed off him so much that he looked into converting
to United Methodist until the Methodist bishop let Creech go). He
also met Joel West, a famous underwear model, at his nice home near
Des Moines; was on the scene of the Spencer, South Dakota tornado
the morning after it wiped out the entire town; helped do interviews
in a Nebraska health clinic which provides abortions; and helped the
Today Show provide the nation with forgettable 2-minute live
snippets from Lincoln, Nebraska at way-too-early A.M. Overall, he
quite enjoys the work, as not only does it provide him with rent
money, it puts him into all sorts of societal scenes which he might
otherwise miss. Sometimes he'd like to miss it, like during the 5-hour
explications on mortgage underwriting, but often it's quite fun.
New Book Of Poetry By Mason Now In Store
It would be good for religion if many books that seem useful
were destroyed. --Girolamo Savonarola
Yes, it's true! Following up on the success of last year's Old
Froggo's Book of Practical Cows, Mason has just released Desire For
More Cows. Desire is a bold step for Mason as not all of the poems
center on cows! Yes, Mason writes about such pressing modern
issues as pork rinds, the Pillsbury Dough Boy, corporate meetings, and
cows tragically caught up in the messy game of modern politics. The
new book is available for just $5 ($8 at Village Books at 87th and
Pacific St in Omaha: as a subscriber to MMM, you get the marvelous
$3 discount) including postage and handling (and copies of Old
Froggo's are still available for that same price). For free samples,
check out Mason's Web Page.
Promise Keepers Come To Omaha
- The Promise Keepers recently came to Omaha, promising a rebirth
of Orthodox Religious Fervor in the men of Omaha, a wake up call for
us men to seize power in the household and, with as little bloodshed
as possible, assert authority and Godliness on those heathens not quite
made in "the image" of our one-faced God due to pre-ordained
characters of gender, race, class, and/or beliefs. I believe they state
it differently, though. In any case, Mason was quite excited about the
gathering but then realized he'd already promised to gather in the
company of men to watch the Japanese Anime saga of Giant Robo.
It proved to be an afternoon of both fervor and grilled foods, so
hallelujah! And as Thomas Jefferson said:
Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the
introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined,
imprisoned; yet we have not advanced one inch towards
uniformity. What has been the effect of coercion? To make
one half of the world fools, and the other half hypocrites.
Mason was happy to see Giant Robo conclude with great strides taken
toward advancement.
Mason Now A Famous Poet
- Encouraged by UC Davis alumni Joe Mills being recently named a
Famous Poet by the Famous Poets Society and being invited to their
national convention (where he could share the spotlight with such
famous poets as Phyllis Diller and the guy who played Isaac on The
Love Boat!), Matt Mason checked out their website
Well, glory of glories, that poem was indeed seen as virtuous and
has gained inclusion in their prized tome Cherished Poems of the
Western World. Mason was excited to learn that he could be featured
in this "luxuriously hardbound and gold-embossed" edition which he
can own for ONLY $39.95! What a bargain. And though he decided
not to purchase one of these truly timeless collections, he has vowed
to wear more black, act more sensitively, and write about kittens
whenever possible.
Matt Mason College Fund Update
- Thanks to Michael and Christina Johnson, the Matt Mason College
Fund is up to a grand total of one Egyptian Pound! Granted, that's not
quite enough for Mason to begin school at South Dakota this fall, so
he has deferred for another year. But keep those donations rolling in
and Mason will be back in the academic saddle in no time.
Mason Not Anti-Religious, He Claims
- Despite inflammatory quotes about religion in this issue, Mason
asserts he is not anti-religious. Recently, MMM sat down and talked
religion with him:
MMM: So, are you anti-religious?
Mason: Nope.
MMM: Ok, then. Thanks.
Mason: No problem.
Mason was later quoted as having found profound inspiration in the
teachings of Jesus, though he questions the tactics often used by
organized religions which seem less common-sense and more power
or profit centered. He's recently been reading up on subjects such as
Gnostic Christianity and histories of Christianity written by more
cynical sources. He asserts believing it more important to act towards
bringing Heaven to Earth as opposed to condescending to everything
around him here and winning Heaven as if it was an inheritance.
"Spirituality," says Mason, "don't suck." Mason also spoke quite
favorably of pancakes served with real maple syrup but has not yet
bought a WWJD (What Would Jesus Do) t-shirt, wristband, or Sport
Utility Vehicle, claiming he's waiting for WWLTD (What Would Lao
Tsu Do) or WWBCD (What Would Bruce Campbell Do)
merchandise.
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- So if you gots nothing better to do around 10am on September 18th (a Friday), why not drive out to scenic Wayne, Nebraska where Matt
Mason will be reading weird poems to a crowd of adoring fans at
Wayne State College. Join the love-fest, throw money on stage, you
know you want to, you know you need to!
Matt Mason Not to Read on National Television
- For the 30th straight year, Matt Mason will not be reading poems
about cows live on NBC, ABC, CBS, or even FOX, UPN, USA, or
ESPN. Heated contract negotiations are underway with TBS to
broadcast Mason's epic-in-the-works, "Der Fliedercow," though Ted
Turner did not return our phone calls and his secretary got downright
rude with us.
Poetry Pages:
Snack Cakes
Hold me like the cream
holds the oatmeal,
like the fig grips the bar,
like the jelly holds
onto the roll. These foods,
impermanent but inseparable,
joined for life
conceivably beyond
expiration dates and shelf-lives,
never know they grow old. They never
pass into that darkest maw
alone.
At The Opening Of The New SAC Museum
When I walk into the hangar, step
after step along one of these steel
whales, I feel chilled.
Don't mistake me, I appreciate this
abstract scattering of technology, but I'm not proud
of it, of B-36s, FB111s, SR71s,
alphabets and math combined to spell,
to add, to subtract, to write Histories,
to divide.
I apologize.
I must seem heavy-handed when
well-dressed guests sit across the building,
clapping as Mannheim Steamroller begins playing Slow
Dancing In The Living Room, as waiters weave
sharply through the course
of red, white, and blue tables,
through a more polite evening
of pomp and tablecloths.
And I put my hand
on the husk of a hydrogen bomb
set here
on the floor
for families to pass by
and pretend to understand.
Frontier Days
And if we stood
smaller than the overlapping lambda clones, we'd be
awestruck by the DNA dot blots as big as the moon.
Oh, our white coats
would fit us wrong in such robust environs,
we'd have to put on boots and wide-crowned hats,
considering ourselves kings
of infinite space, though enclosed
in a gnotobiotic mouse gut.
We would lasso and break wild
facultative anaerobes and ride those proud beasties
through the valleys and scrub and conventional Northern blot analysis,
then sleep under that darkest sky
as synthetic oligonucleotides howl
over the horizon that we'll strike for
come the morning,
heading out to see
what happens downstream.
Riots In Omaha Again
- It was a more subdued year for Mason after the Nebraska
Cornhuskers won another national championship in football. Mason
and several friends gathered to light some candles, say some prayers,
and do some knitting. Afterwards, they took off their pants and ran
around in public intersections.
Best Movies I Done Seen Lately:
- Saving Private Ryan, The Sweet Hereafter, Smoke Signals, Strange
Brew, and anything, really, that wasn't Lost In Space.
Best Books I Done Read Lately:
- The Te of Piglet (though not quite as good as The Tao of Pooh, still
fairly keen); Last Chance To See by Douglas Adams (Yep, the writer
from the Hitchhiker series with some really cool writing tracking
down endangered animals); The Dark Side of Christian History by
Helen Ellerbe; Ken's Guide to the Bible by Ken Smith, B.A.
(sometimes biased, sometimes hilarious, sometimes quite insightful,
a decent read for just his assertions (backed up) about "tubby Jesus");
What The Bible Really Says About Homosexuality by Daniel A.
Helminiak, Ph.D. (a well researched and supported argument that
Biblical arguments condemning homosexuals have little to no actual
Biblical support); Smile by Denise Duhamel (though any book of her
poetry is well worth reading), and Spillville by Patricia Hampl (a
gorgeously written book about a town in Iowa where Dvorak spent a
summer). There are no doubt more, but I have less brain-capacity
than a turnip (which, I recently learned, is supposedly used in the
Black Mass as the imitation for the eucharist bread).
Best Albums I Done Listened To Lately:
- Echo Farm's 4-song EP (an Omaha band with amazing vocals,
lyrics, music, everything), Irresistable Bliss by Soul Coughing (almost
solely because it has a song called "Super Bon Bon" on it), and Viva!by Los Straitjackets (instrumental psuedo-surf-guitar bits that are
weird and cool).
And Now A Word From Our Sponsor:
- Always look happy and cheerful. Enjoy life with the woman you
love, as long as you live the useless life that God has given you in this
world. Enjoy every useless day of it, because that is all you will get
for all of your trouble. --Ecclesiastes 9:8-9
Mason's New Bitch A Real Sweetie
- Last October, a tiny black lab puppy ended up on Mason's doorstep,
endearing all with her myriad charms before bursting from every
available orifice with parvovirus. Mason and roommate Chriss Putz
ended up paying lots o' money to save the orphaned parvo-puppy, and
found themselves as puppy-parents to a dog named Panda. Since
then, Panda has asserted herself as the cutest, most righteous dog on
the planet, to whom all should bow in adoration for yea, verily, it is
she who bringeth solace in the night, and we should not fear evil, for
she watcheth over us and waggeth her tail to disperse the wicked
spirits which might plague us. Ye shall shower her with love and ye
shall be saved from perdition.
To contact Mason, you have many options:
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- Send a letter to: 1403 Bellevue Blvd N Bellevue, NE 68005
- Pick up a phone and dial 402/734-6102
- Before you fall asleep at night, think "Matt Mason, Matt Mason,
come to my station" over and over and over.
- Send email to: him @novia.net and that's mtmason before the @
- Drive around Omaha shouting out your window, "Hey buddy! I'm
lookin' for Matt Mason, you seen him?"
- Go to Mason's rambling Web Page: and click on the
blue email link on his index page.
- Wish upon a star (makes no difference who you are (your mileage
may vary (some restrictions apply))).
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