Froggio: It's Fabulous Being Green
(It's even better being Me)
Who Is Froggio?
The most Gorgeous of God's Creatures?
A manly creature of sensitive, throbbing
virility?
The unlicensed owner of the two most dangerous
Pectorals known to man?
Zeus's best idea since the goose ploy?
The olive-skinned, blonde-locked answer to
womens' sweaty, passionate, amphibious desires?
The gyrating, flexing, FDA-approved definition
of 130% real, unprocessed love?
The Life and Times
of His Froggishness
The son of itenerant curd-herders in the
mountains of Mississippi, Froggio was born a strong, vibrant
tadpole adored by both parents. Fed on a steady diet of
high-protein donuts and Pepsi, Froggio matured into a strong and
widely-renowned curd-herder himself, known throughout the region
for his beauty, grace, and ability to hog-tie a loaf of Swiss in
3.5 seconds.
Late in 1996, Froggio broke his long-held media
holdout and granted us a one-time special interview. Click here for our EXCLUSIVE coverage of
the world's most-loved amphibian!
He is
Froggio: Hear him Roar!
Why All Women
should Love Froggio
by Dr. Isaac Strover Pantalover Breaden Groaver
Fiskowisker
Since his debut appearance on the cover of
Slade Thrumber's wonderful romance novel, Rrrrr! Pirate's
Playthings, Froggio has been sweeping away hearts like a
stadium's maintenance man sweeps away hotdog wrappers. Does he
affect you this way? Well, if you call yourself a woman, then
undoubtedly he does. But Why?
Well, myself and my colleagues down at the
Fiskowisker Institute of Manliness Studies have been looking into
the Froggio phenomenon and come up with several theories to
explain his hugeosity.
- First, the raw, adulterous perfection of his
beautifully tanned olive skin.
- Second, the amazing physique of Froggio, his
huge, bulbous, protruding, 98.98% fat free body
swelling out of magazine covers on virtually
every magazine shelf that should dare address
love, muscles, amphibians, or full melon brunches
of passion.
- Third, his golden mane, that halo, that aura of
magnificence, goodness, and piety, it's simply
hair that a woman knows could take care of her
and treat her better than any man could.
- Fourth, cavity-free, fully-flossed teeth of the
sort that you want in your mouth in any way
imagineable.
- But is this all? Is Froggio simply some fleeting
icon of physical perfection? No! For as book
covers like Stone Strong's Love, Ahoy!
tell us, Froggio is a man familiar with the touch
of wind in his hair, a man comfortable on the
stern of a ship or mountain biking with Peruvian
dairy moguls in the Andes, a man of the world who
can take you places.
- For Froggio isn't one of those celebrities you
hear of ending up in jail for beating women,
stepping on small animals, abusing dairy
products, he is a gentle, caring philanthropist
as his image on Dick Dubbing's book cover for Save
Africa, Save Me, My Love! show us all in
full-color majesty.
Why All Men
should Want to be Just Like Froggio
Well, millions of women can't be wrong...
How could I be Just Like Froggio?
- Rub your head with mango skins every
morning.
- Subsist entirely on a diet of flies,
muskmelon, chicken soft tacos, and
Perrier.
- Speak in a thick, largely unintelligible
accent.
- Never take "You disgust me!" or
"Get lost, you repulsive
slimeball!" as denial of your
appeal.
- Wear as little clothing as is socially
acceptable. Then take off a bit more.
- Cultivate your pectorals as a yogurt
farmer cultivates his bacteria. Failing
this, cosmetic surgery is acceptable.
- Practice catching small insects on the
fly with your tongue. Using your teeth or
lips is considered cheating.
- Read a book, preferably without pictures,
more preferably one written by Froggio
himself.
- Give most of your money to charities.
Save a rainforest or lung. Donate your
own organs to the needy.
- Do ten sets of 20 overhead presses with a
GMC Gremlin every morning.
- Practice staring soulfully into
strangers' eyes. Show no weakness at
their discomfort. Leave only when
physically assaulted.
- Become a LUST*LLAMA.
Froggio's
Words to his Loyal and Beloved Followers
When I was a young whelp of the burgeoning
hugeosity that I am today, I would sit under my favorite tree
high in the mountains of Mississippi, and as I stared at the
leaves silhouetted against the bright skein of stars, I would
wonder if I would grow to be as gorgeous and perfect as I felt I
deserved to be. Well, as you all know, this wishing and wondering
came gloriously true. Now I sit in the morning by my mirror,
watching me drink a bottle of Perrier back at myself and I wonder
if you, my adoring fans, love me enough, if you would give your
lives for me, surrender me your love, devote your free time and
life-savings to me if you needed to. I know, it is all a trifle,
for you certainly would, but I like to wonder things like this
because I know it is important to keep your brain exercising,
just as you would your lovely abdominals or your incisors or
retinas.
So, my warm watermelons of wonder, fear not
your idle pondering about building a better you or having larger
pectorals, as dreams come true everyday. Just ask Me! And if I
can help your dreams come true, feel free to contact me through
my representatives in the fan club.
3 Cheese Recipes
- Take 2 of your favorite cheese slices (3.. if you feel
DARING!). Put them inside 2 pieces of your most
magnificent bread. Then set them gently onto a frying pan
at medium heat until it reaches golden brown lusciosity!
- Cook up your most mouth-watering brand of pasta, one that
makes your toes curl and uncurl just thinking about, a
pasta which you spend your hours at the office
fantasizing of, the pasta for which you put on that
"special" teddy, oh, the very pasta of love
boiling madly in your pot of desire! Drain. Add olive oil
and garlic powder to taste. Then, and only then, the
shredded mozarella!
- Take a bag of cheese curds. Eat them one by beautiful
one.
The Loyal Underground
Society That Loves Luscious Amphibians Massively (Always!)
(LUST*LLAMA)
A devoted clan of individuals dedicated to
living the froggio ideal, LUST*LLAMA is a proud organization, and
we'd llove to have you as a member of our growing flock. Join
today and get:
- Your handy and attractive membership card
- Froggio's famous tape, "It's fabulous being green--
it's even better being me", containing Froggio's
words of passionate wisdom and several dramatic and
poignant readings of adaptations of the world's most
cherished love poetry.
- The esprit de corps of fellow LUST*LLAMAs around the
civilized (and uncivilized) world.
- Detailed instructions you can't afford to be without for
the secret LUST*LLAMA greeting ritual
(kerosene-soaked herrings not included).
- More cheese recipes from Froggio's dairy home.
- A 10% discount on all merchandise (foreign and
domestic) at all "Lloyd and Llarry's Lluxurious
Llama Warehaus" stores
- Contact Froggio's agent for further details of
membership. Mail to: Matt Mason
Froggio would like to thank three of his most
loyal LUST*LLAMAs, without whom, you would not now be perusing
this technological marvel:
Victor Putz - Grand Poobah, Winged Yak
Productions
Jo Carter - Super Genius
Matt Mason - Unemployed Schmoe
Return to Matt Mason's Home
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