| vendredi 2 août |
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| I woke up at 1.00P with priam's blessing. I couldn't even get my fist around it. But he's left now and I'm still not showered. I had some disturbing dreams last night, including one where my cousin John was a scottish kid playing in this large lake with my cousin Mitchell (who, in the dream, was a baby. I think he's 12 now). The tide suddenly surged and Mitchell was sucked under and disappeared into some secret passage (this is all very fantasy novel) under a small tree that had been left after the tide went out. It was very scary to see my family taken away. Moreso than I thought it would be. In the following dream, I plotted to kill my mother apparently. And I had 12 friends who were going to help me. But when the time came they all said no because I love her, and I turned to them and said, "I hate each and every one of you... And I love you so much." Flash to part two where I was surrounded by my family but terribly upset about something and couldn't stop crying. And every one of them came over and gave me a hug. Including Grandma. I should have realized in my dream that she's dead, and she couldn't have been there. Normally my dreams are lucid like that. I know exactly what's going on and how to control it, and how to change images if they don't seem right. I'm still not sure whether I dream in color. M wants me to take this boy out on the town. He'd better supply money cos I'm poor. But apparently one of his youth orchestra alums has just turned 21 and is visiting San Francisco and wanted someone to hang out with. I hope he's gay. Because I don't do straight clubs. I have the whole day off again. Just have to be at work from 8 - 10. It's foggy, so I can't go out and tan. I may just sit at home all day and feel strange. Dreams where I cry profusely are always so satisfying and horribly physical. It must be a sign, but I don't know what it is. I've been feeling so physically off lately. I don't know why. It must be the smoking. It's finally caught up with me. I have to stop it. Once again, I pause to wonder if anyone reads this. |