| vendredi 12 juillet |
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| I've decided to give the times of entries in a more general, rounded format. I've never been able to read digital clocks. In fact I think they're pretty useless except for alarms. Analog is the way to go because it gives a spatial representation of time instead of a more abstract division. Besides, if you think about it, there's really no point in knowing if it's 10.36 or 10.37 because how do you process the difference in that information? Airlines run on that system and are always late because of it. It make more sense to realize that it's 20 minutes to 11. It gives you an idea of how much time is left before the top of the hour. Maybe that's a pessimistic way to look at it. Maybe it's more about how much time you've spent. Either way, time keeps going, lending us space to experience and grow and love. But that's really not the day's topic. The Tanglewood fellows are starting to feel the pressure of the place, in this, our fourth week of hell. It's my last week here, and I'm definitely ready to leave. Once upon a time this place was full of inspiring people who were talented and loved what they do. But now things are different. We spend too much time caught up in the details and tedious rehearsal techniques without actually instilling our love for the art in the people we work with. It's important to work off of each other and reinforce our desire to do this. It's a really remarkable thing that we do. I told Eric about it a long time ago when he was not feeling great about his talent. The human mind has the ability to understand and use knowledge and derive pleasure from it. And music is the most accessible of these talents. Surprisingly, it's also the most visceral. Visual art is often inaccessible because of its complexity. Most people who look at a painting or great work of art don't know what they're looking at, and are unable to define WHY it's so great. In fact, the greatest works of visual art, Michelangelo's David [that's dah-veed, not day-vid] for example, are striking because of their increidble detail and scope. But the common man doesn't go to see a statue, look at it, and feel something welling up inside them... the desire to make a physical motion, or recall an old love. Music can do all these things. And it does this to everyone their entire lives. Whether it be a folk song, a hip-hop song, or a complex symphony, music has the power to force a physical reaction. Or a memory. And that is something that is really wonderful. Something that should be shared. It is a remarkable thing that we do. And we can't lose that, no matter how long we work in the industry. Holding onto it is hard. But it's important. And worth it. |
| jeudi 11 juillet |
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| My days are filled with haphazard encounters with the most famous people the music world has ever seen. A warm hello to Phyllis Curtin, a quick wave to Mstislav Rostropovich, and a brief smile to Seiji Ozawa. Tonight I saw Rostropovich playing the Dvorak Cello Concerto. I don't particularly care for the piece, but the ending is whammo! And It's probably the only opportunity in my life to hear my all-time favorite cellist. He played well. Not as good as I was used to on recordings, but still... the sound he got out of that little wooden box was incredible. So warm and still. And easy. It was really great to see him. And I will again tomorrow afternoon. I'm mentioning Brad again. Because I haven't in a while. And I'm still thinking about him and wondering how he's doing. And otherwise I have very little else to say. I guess that's enough. |
| mercredi 10 juillet |
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| This is sort of a backward entry, as I'm writing it after the fact. The night of Jessye Norman's recital as told to MM. DUH-RAH-MAH!! (with extra syllables if you like). The place was sold out, so most of the fellows were sitting behind the stage. She came out in full headress, quilted full length coat, linens, african tribal cloths, shawls, winter jackets, etc... the only thing missing was the trainbearers. And she sang the first set, the back was open of course and many people on the lawn.Hot sticky night, no air movement at all. And after the first set she came off and apparently asked them to close the back because of a DRAFT. And we were all like "how the FUCK could she tell?" So that means the fellows all got booted to the standing room on the second balcony. But there really was NO standing room up there. And the lawn came inside, took the seats we were in, and took more space up in the balcony. 20 minutes later (which, mind you, was much longer than the first set)... she came back to sing strauss. At which point I could only see her out of one eye, and the mosquitos the lawn people brought in with their bags were attacking. [A funny thing, as the l a w n people came inside I noticed the strong stench of the lowly peons: Citronella. In fact it was so overpowering...] I decided to leave. She was miserably flat anyway, and her performance, as usual, was uninspired. As I was leaving, she began to sing again, and with the noise those doors make, I decided to stay until the applause (which occured spontaneously after each and every song as though it was the best encore ever, and despite the warnings in the program not to). At that point, an usher came up to me and started yelling. and I mean YELLING at me because I was standing near the door. He told me to go back to my seat. Of course, as I was explaining that I was trying to leave, he starts making more noise about fire hazards and the whole upper balcony turns to look and I'm literally shaking my fist at him. And the highlight "YOU WANNA LEAVE? FINE! LEAVE!" And I left. BUT Apparently she CUT almost all of the second half of the program due to the humidity, and Stefan came out and said "She's fine to sing the second half, but I'm sure Ms. Norman will be generous with the encores." And of course... she wasn't. She sang three more songs and left. So the concert was 2 hours long, and 40 minutes was singing. This was my experience. And this is why I didn't get Shinnerrie an autograph that read "To Shinnerrie -- I love you! Jessye Norman" I'm sorry. |
| mardi 9 juillet |
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| It's raining. I'm alone. And I've been watching TV all day and trying to talk to Brad, who ignored all of the good things I said in the previous entry and somehow got "I'm not special to you" out of it. I'm past the point of reason. Kenni and Frangelo both hugged me tightly and wished that I was with them. And I wish I was with them too. I'm not sure what Matt thinks. But he's not a jealous person, and he honestly has no reason to be, as the previous entry explained. I love him too much to let another JB hurt us. Or to act in such a way that it could happen. Brad refuses to let me care about him. That's his choice. And I wonder if what Kenni said last night was true. "When we are away from the people that we love and someone gives us a certain kind of attention that we're craving, we are instantly drawn to that person." Does that invalidate my feelings for someone? How can I tell if it's deeper than that? But then, even under those circumstances I've become close with people who are still close, and whom I treasure dearly. So I have nothing more to say. Take it or leave it, but move on. Grow. Be happy. It's not getting what you want, it's wanting what you've got, right? Tonight I'm going to see Jessye Norman. I have no idea what she's singing. Probably Schubert and Strauss. Which is fine. I just hope it's not a very long recital, because even though she's famous I don't particularly like her interpretations. I'm horny again. But boy... having Matt here for a weekend was enough to put me out of business for a few days. Heh. |
| lundi 8 juillet |
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| Kenni and I have an almost perfect relationship. In fact, the only thing that's not perfect about it is that we never get to see each other. I've only seen him once since we broke up over two years ago. Our relationship, though short, was full of love and honesty and sincere affection -- not to mention an overwhelming physical attraction. And despite the fact that at that point in his life he was very shy and self-conscious, and talked very little, we communicated well. We didn't speak for a long time after the break-up. Mostly because that's how I did things then. I have a hard time getting used to change. It takes me a long time to make friends, and even longer to begin enjoying the new place that I'm in. But once we started talking again, we discussed our relationship. We still love each other. I love Kenni immensely. I would do anything for him if he asked me to. And the love that we share, though no longer part of a "relationship" per se, is stronger and better than anything I could ever ask for. Frangelo is another good example of this kind of immense love. In fact, Frangelo and Kenni are very similar in that there is still a strong physical attraction. And even though we spend a lot of time talking dirty to each other, we're all aware of our positions in life that prohibit our acting upon them. Often times I think about them in dualist ways -- I think of them as my closest dearest most trusted companions, whom I could tell anything, whom I love unconditionally; I think about having wild incredible marathon sex with them, and discuss it openly with them. And while we treasure this kind of relationship, we don't act on our desires. The consequences are too devestating for the night we'd spend together. Even knowing how amazing it would be. I love Matt more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. And these relationships with Kenni and Frangelo do not affect the way I feel about him. They have, in fact, no impact on my relationship with him because I know where the lines are drawn. And so do they. And they know how much Matt matters to me and wouldn't let me mess things up. This is also why I trust them so much. I spend a lot of time with them talking about how much I love them, and why. And sometimes dirty talk if our boyfriends are not around, hehe. And a conundrum arises when the opportunity presents itself for us to express our love sexually. But it doesn't happen, no matter how much we try and find loopholes. "Kissing is ok." "If we jack off together without touching, that's not cheating." But sometimes the talk is more satisfying. [obviously I'm revealing a lot here, all within the security of my relationship with them and my boyfriend, and for the sake of honesty and clarity.] They currently each have boyfriends. But I've been around when they were single. And vice versa. And still, our relationship flourishes without any kind of infidelity or even serious thoughts of adultery. There are a few people in my life whose friendship I could not live life without. Shinnerrie, Marija, Nana, Hayley, Frangelo, Kenni, Matt, Kiki, Scott, Bacilio, Jon, Naomi, Leanna, Stephen, Sima, Hugh, and Brad. Brad is the newest addition to this core group of family. And my relationship with him is much along the lines of Frangelo and Kenni. I care about him very much. He is a very important part of my life, and one that I'm not willing to give up. And his recent confession about his similar feelings for me has opened our relationship in a new way. I do love him. And I hope that we continue to grow closer as time goes on. If I didn't stress the importance of my friendships with Frangelo and Kenni, and my very tender care of them, I do so here. And I extend that privilege to him with the full knowledge that I am completely devoted to my finance (an inside joke meaning Matt) and will not risk screwing that up, no matter how strongly my heart may pull. I want to express my most sincere gratitude to all of my friends, at Oberlin and elsewhere, for going beyond what I thought family could do for me. And especially Frangelo and Kenni, without whom my sanity may not be possible. And most of all to Brad, for being willing to put all of the awkward history behind us, and stepping bravely into my circle of friends. Things would never be the same without you. |